I wish I did
by KoreanKracker
Summary: This is my first story I published on here I hope you enjoy it. Rated T for some words.


I`ve never really paid much attention to him. He was so irritating that I completely ignored him most of the time. It`s no wonder that I hardly have any fond memories of him, Deidara. I wished that I had acknowledged him more, for at this point, I need all the memories of him.

_Seeing Yukio so distraught pained me…  
_

Deidara had been dead for over a year now, but it seemed like it was only yesterday that we had received the dreaded news; the reality that had put Yukio through 365 days of suffering and loneliness.

For 365 days I`ve had to stare into her eyes, which were now, dull and unattractive. They didn`t glisten in that special way they used to before he died. My mind, back then, was focused on her lovely violet eyes. I have quite a few memories of them so seeing them now and comparing them to back then really hurt me. They were so different now that they don't even feel like her eyes.

_But that was not all. Even when we were alone together on missions, I could feel and see other changes._

**Her smile always made my day…**

I remember how she would kiss him goodbye and then run off to me. Her face would shine and the most beautiful smile I had ever seen would be painted across it. It was lovely; I never imagined anything more perfect than her smile. They way her thin pink lips would curve up. She always improved my mood, but now... now my heart has slowly grown a hole in it. I`d miss her smiles so much, a few tears would run down my cheeks. Just seeing it one more time would make me happier than a giddy little school girl… I`m serious. Everyday then on, I wished to see her smile. When I didn`t see it, I prayed again. But no one was going to answer my prayers. I could be so ridiculous...

_It had been one year since Deidara died, 365 days of her suffering, 365 days of looking into her dull, dying eyes, and 365 days without her smiles._

**Her physique had also changed...**

She didn`t seem to keep her weight in check. She became dangerously skinny. She did not eat at all. When we ate Breakfast, she was never there. When it was lunch, we never saw her. Dinner was no different. I was afraid she`d just turn to dust. When we went out on missions, I was completely terrified that she`d break… She had become so fragile, so delicate. I couldn`t even touch her, in fear I might accidentally break her… She was already small as it is. As I recall I would prepare the finest dishes when we were out. (I may not seem like it, but I can cook, you know…) I only wanted her to have the best. I needed to fill her up, to at least gain a few pounds… or 20…

_I didn`t care if she became chubby, she just desperately needed some more meat on her bones._

**What turned me on was her hair...**

It was such an exotic and odd color… a light violet. It was beautiful and long. It flowed down past her lower back. It complimented her gorgeous fair skin, which was now very pale. After his death, she didn`t care for it anymore. She never brushed her hair as much as before. Her soft velvet hair, now, looked tangled and had lost its luster. It was dull and plain, just like her eyes. I remember when we were out on missions together. Every sunset, she would always sit on the window sill of our hotel room. She`d let down her gorgeous locks of hair and would begin brushing them. I also remember me, staring from afar. I enjoyed seeing her beauty... I would fantasize about her and about me... together doing a lot of things. I loved watching her long violet hair dance in the wind. I dreamt of someday, being able to run my fingers through it, and I would sigh, knowing it would never come true. I could be so predictable…

_Me and my stupid fantasies…_

**Her lack of sleep also affected her…**

Faint circles began developing around her once shining eyes. She never slept, because she was afraid. I remember forcing her to sleep one time... it was then I realized why she didn't sleep anymore. She told me that when she would shut her eyes, her mind would replay his death over and over until she finally woke up screaming and in tears. I figured that out the hard way.

_When she screamed I literally had a heart attack..._

**Why was it him…? **

Even to this day, it still surprises me how much of an impact Deidara was on Yukio. Her heart is in so much pain, she can't control herself. It's very hard for me to sympathize, especially since I hadn't been in this world as long as she has. Yukio's immortality was destroying her. At times I would be kind of glad she was immortal, for I would never have met her if she wasn't, but seeing her mope around forever didn't make me any happier. She had experienced it all. Her first loved, over 150 years ago, betrayed her, her second, Death had claimed him. And for over 100 years, she was in solitude, keeping everyone away, until she met Deidara. I recall her saying she had never felt so alive... But one year ago, Death came to take him away from her and everything that made her Yukio. Her heart is so delicate now; she isolates herself to prevent anyone from taking it and shattering it into a million pieces. Her heart is wounded and it bleeds, but she allows it to.

_She's so afraid of love; she's been trying to erase the emotion completely, and is succeeding.  
_

**I see her now, emotionless and cold... Just like me.**

…And I hate it. She was the only one who brought my life meaning, I changed because of that, but now I see myself in her... I despise myself. The choices I've made, my actions, I eventually realized what I've become. So seeing her turn into me... literally killed me... I would have accepted her more if she had taken from Hidan. I wouldn't mind having to hear her curse all the time(at least she`d be _speaking_), but me? I'm the last person in the world anyone would change into. I know it's because I`m with her most of the time. I beg Leader to switch partners, but he disagrees. I stay away from her more often then I had used to. She's so alien to me now, it's as if someone had taken her away from me and replaced her with some cheap imitation doll. She's lifeless. Now-a-days I`m actually... afraid to be near her.

_I'm so afraid that I'll accidentally push her too far, I'll end up being the one breaking her…_

**Come back… please?**

I miss her so goddamn much, I'd cry. When I'm alone I can turn into such a pansy, I can't believe myself. Flashbacks, memories, you name it. I would think about them all at night when I was alone in my bedroom. I remember her laugh. It intrigued me the most. Sure her voice was angelic, even when she was angry, but nothing could compare to her laugh... except her smile, of course. Her laugh sounded like chimes, flowing in the wind. I could hear so much life in them. Now, she doesn't laugh, much less speak.

_She is silent and doesn't humor anyone._

**I can see right thru you. **

During the day, it seems as if she is putting on a show. She acts just as cold and brutal as me... or she`ll fake her own happiness and everyone buys it, except me. It`s easy (for me at least) to tell how she`s actually thinking and feeling. I feel like I have some sort of connection with her, but she fails to recognize it. I don`t mind... too much. I have a mind, I can pretend, can`t I? It may not be as nice as the real thing, yet it`s better than nothing. Though, seeing the others buy into her charade… angers me. How easily they can be deceived… It`s not right.

_During the day, she is tough, but during the night, she breaks down and cries alone in her room. _

**Alone... She cries alone...  
**

I never forgive myself for letting her cry alone. I desperately wanted to go to her so she wouldn`t shed her tears alone, but I knew I couldn't. At this point in time, I`d most likely be the last person she`d accept comfort from. I knew that deep down, no matter what were to happen to us later on, she'll always resent me. You could say Sasuke was her evidence. I know she still blames me for the way he turned out.

_I blame myself, too, but now, I really don`t care..._

**I can hear it, it screams just as clear as daylight.**

Along with her silent crying I could hear other things. I could hear something that sounded like... screaming. Even if she wasn't crying, I could still hear it. Even if we were eating breakfast, that Motsuhiro now makes, I could hear it, and it appeared that I was the only one who could hear it. I knew what it was. It was her heart. Her fragile heart screams, wanting attention, but no one can hear it. And since no one can hear it, it keeps screaming, hoping that one day someone would listen to it and help ease her pain. Yukio doesn't want to associate with anyone because she is afraid of falling in love, but her heart screams for someone, anyone willing enough to listen.

_If some one were to hear her, someone is bound to come, which makes falling in love again inevitable._

**Why am I doing this to myself?**

I never knew I could punish myself over a girl. I didn't know why I loved her so much, but something about her makes me so happy. Of course when she was with Deidara I was extremely jealous, but he made her happy. As long as she was happy, I was able to tolerate him very well. But now she's not happy. Her eyes, dull and dying, stained red and puffy from her incessant crying. I know now that there's nothing more she could ever want than death. What killed the most than seeing her depressed was not being able to see her at all…

_I learned then, that I was selfish._

**How could I?**

Instead of having her die and for once be at peace, _**I**_ want her to live, being sad and depressed just so _**I**_ could see her everyday. _**I**_ didn't want her to die. If she did, she would become a memory, and with humans, we eventually forget the memories that were most dear and eventually get over it. I never wanted to forget or get over her. She was my light. Despite her looking more like a zombie, she was still beautiful in my eyes. I never wanted her to leave my sight.

_But I knew I couldn't avoid it_.

**Why couldn`t I be the one to help?**

When I did work up the courage I would walk to go see how she was doing, but every time Mostuhiro would beat me to it. They had been good friends since the first day she joined. I remember seeing her back then as well, she was just as bubbly and beautiful as Yukio, but simply could not compare. I can see, now, why Motsuhiro strains herself just to comfort Yukio, who now seemed to be more like her big sister instead of her friend. Yukio was always there when Mostuhiro needed her the most, and never failed to find ways to comfort her. Yukio was different though. Something about her made it difficult for someone to repair her emotional wounds. Motsuhiro tried her best every night to find a way to cheer her up, but Yukio seemed hopeless. Hidan now resents Yukio now more than ever; He hates her for being so melancholy.  
"It sickens me how someone can be so fuckin` depressin`. God, she's making Motsuhiro cry because she can't find a way to help her. Grrr, she's goddamn hopeless. Let her cry alone, I couldn`t give a fuck. I just don't want her affecting Motsuhiro. I want her to be happy, not sad."

I remember these words the most. It _stabbed_ me. Hidan was cruel, but this was an all time low for him. Yet I didn`t blame him. I`m sure no one wanted both girls to be sad. Someone had to pay that price, and unfortunately, it was Yukio who had to. Even though she couldn`t take it any more, she bared the weight anyway until the very end.

_The last day I ever saw her, I`d never forget it._

**Yasu**

Though she was immortal, there was one way to kill her. She was a jinchuriki. It`s name was Yasu. He had a terrible power. If Yukio were to die anyway, Yasu would reincarnate her, over and over. She wouldn`t die. Constantly being reborn, constantly seeing this ugly world over, I was sure she was tired. She was tired of Mother Nature and all the inhabitants in this world. She poked fun at her own mortality once. Saying that she wished she`s be born back into a tree. She wished for the forest she lived in to burn. She wished her branches to go in flames and incinerate. I did not find it humorous at all. With me being from the Uchiha Clan, fire was our specialty. What if it was me who accidentally set her forest on fire? She said it out like it was nothing. She even wanted _me _to burn her down. I was upset. She said fire may destroy her tree form, but it would leave plenty of space for another tree to fill. I played along but I didn't like the idea. Knowing me, I would`ve been the idiot there, with my silver watering can. Walking up 6:00 in the morning exactly so I could water her branch and made sure she`d grow big and tall and strong. And when the fire came, I would stand by her tree form and never leave, feeling the flames engulf my body as I became a bag of bones and ashes. I would`ve been known as the Fool who died for the sake of his Tree. I couldn`t help but smile.

_We had so much fun back then didn`t we, Yukio?_

**I wish I did**

Because she was a jinchuriki, we needed her for our 'purpose'. Leader only kept her alive for so long for the feelings he, too, harbored for her. Though when she contemplated suicide, Leader knew we`d only see her pop up again. He knew she wanted to be gone for good and the extraction process was the only way. By removing Yasu, he wouldn`t have a body to reborn. I killed myself over what had happened those few days.

_"Why? Why could I have not come to her sooner? Being afraid of her rejection, I could have at least taken a chance."_

But I didn't, and it seemed I was paying the ultimate price for not choosing to go. The first day, I couldn`t breath. Seeing her suspended in the air literally killed me. Hearing her moan, I never knew how painful it actually was. By day two, My cloak felt like it was dumped into the ocean. It was drowned in my tears. I knew I was already blind, but the tears were not helping… not that I wanted to see anyway. If only I could go deaf till this horrible experience was over… By day three, it was all over. I couldn`t swallow. The lump in my throat was as big as an orange. I was glad the cloak had a big collar. No one else could see how pathetic I had become. Seeing Yukio, slowly fall unto the ground… When she hit the ground, it was the end of the world for me.

_She was gone, she wasn`t there anymore, and she never will be. _

**You`re still so beautiful to me**

After all of that, I was almost as dead as Yukio was when she was alive. I felt so lonely, it was unbearable. Leader noticed but didn`t pry too much about it. The bastard knew what was going on through the walls of the lair. He didn`t even have to ask.

And as fate would have it, Leader had requested me to properly bury her... I didn't hesitate. I held her close to me as I carried her out of the dreaded Lair. I knew the perfect place. I carried her out to a meadow. It was the place I'd come to think. It was beautiful, obviously, and it had colors. Whenever I was tired of seeing the Lair's grey and black walls, I'd come out here to find myself. Halfway through the meadow, I felt Yukio twitch. I laid her down, my heart began to race. She had that beautiful smile I had missed so much painted across her tired face. This was a bitter moment. Her eyes smiled, but they were near dead. She was too weak now. I was going to lose her. We had talked for a while before night fell. Her words, her voice… oh how I have missed it. I smiled. I never felt so happy. I wanted to shout with joy.

"You`re more beautiful than anything I`ve ever seen in my life." Is what I said instead. I was quick to get embarrassed as I just blurted my feelings unknowingly. She didn`t mind, and let out a weak giggle. I smiled, as this was my only and last time being able to be with her. I regretted waiting to tell her how I felt up until now. Though, I was still happy that we had our time to talk. But during the night, my happiness faded and was replaced with fear as I knew she was going to be gone in the morning.

"Please calm down," she told me. I couldn`t. Even though I could have prepared myself, I didn`t. I eventually did fall asleep beside her. My arms, wrapped close around her waist, holding her as tight as I could. I dreamt of her and me, our bitter moments and not so bitter moments. When dawn approached, a cold breeze had woken me up. My heart raced again. I turned to look at Yukio. She had the biggest smile on her face. I called her name, but she didn't answer. I panicked, which was very stupid, because I knew very well she was dead. Yet I didn't want to believe it. I called her name again. No response. Not long after, tears flowed down my weary eyes.

"_Big baby..." _I thought to myself. I picked her up, and boy did the water works really started to work. I was almost happy in a way. What better way to die, than peacefully in your sleep? I carried her out further and laid her body only on the loveliest patch of flowers. I held her close to me. I felt the cool air blow. I watched the sun as it continued its journey through out the day. I was in deep though, letting my emotions run it`s course, and before I new it, it was night. I looked down at her peaceful form and smiled. I accepted it. It took me all day, but I couldn`t ask for more time. I knew she wasn`t here, nor will I ever see her again. But I accepted that. I felt relieved in a way. She won`t be suffering anymore, and that made me happy.

_And this way she can see Deidara`s face once more. I knew he was up there, waiting for her._

**End**

I visit her grave anytime I can… which was pretty much every hour of the day when I wasn`t occupied with a mission. I would talk a few pills, since I felt more comfortable taking my medicine with her ghostly company.

Soon, these pills will become obsolete.

"_It won`t be long now..." _I thought. My end was near. I was actually awaiting it. As soon, Sasuke will get what he wanted, but my death would benefit me more than it would him.

_As I will be able to see __**her**__ again._

…_Okay, and __**him**__ too._

* * *

_This is about my OC for Deidara, Yukio Shofuzaki. It's in Itachi's POV. He likes Yukio, and he is talking about how much she has changed since Deidara died. I have two versions. One where Yukio dies and one where Yukio doesn`t die and goes for Itachi. This one is his short POV of when she does die. Oh, Motsuhiro is my friend Paige's OC for Hidan, so don't be like "who is that?" when you get near the end. ^^ If this story sounds good, and people tell me they like it, maybe I'll publish the story for my OC. i hear my stories are good, so yea. O.O and Sorry if the ending is a little skimpy, I was rushed. ^^;_

_Edit(5/1-10): I reread this and I`m surprised at how suckish this was. I couldn`t believe how many misspellings I had. Boy, do I feel unintelligent. I changed the format and added, em subtitles, if that`s what their called. I though it would be better that way. :3_

_I also tried changing the ending so it read better. I hope it is actually better. :[_

_So, was it better? I hope it was.  
Since I`ve never done this type of story before/often/or at all, I wouldn`t know what it would be specifically.  
I try to be optimistic, you see._

_Luckily the categories are easy to understand! ^o^_

_Review? :[_


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